So Thankful..

So thankful...for a husband that I can tell all my deepest secrets and concerns to. He's someone that not only knows good things about me, but he's someone I can confess my struggles to. Yesterday I wrote my post while Jason was at work and when he came home I told him through tears the concerns of my heart. He is such a good listener and never makes me feel like my thoughts are trivial. In fact, sometimes I think he thinks my opinions are more important then I even do.

He didn't just listen though (which would have been enough) but he helped me see things from a different perspective and shared wisdom with me about forgiveness and ideas about how I could make things better. How I could be a better person. Now that's a good man.

Last night we went out for Mexican food in what we thought was a popular restaurant but ended up having the entire place to ourselves! I'm not sure how we even got on the topic of our wedding but we were laughing till we cried about some of our favorite memories. One of the things I told him was how before we were married, I never had any second thoughts but I just always hoped that I was really making the right decision. Relationships are risky, they should be a calculated risk, but are still risky nonetheless. One thing that I have gone back to again and again in our marriage is how blessed I am that I married Jason. I've made such terrible relationship choices in the past that I can't even fully express how thankful I am that (a) I found Jason and (b) he wanted to marry me! His presence in my life is a continual expression of God's grace in my life.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. :)

Don't you hate it when you learn things about yourself that aren't good? You want to be in denial and have the hardest time believing that you really act, think, do those things...but when it comes down to it, you do. So now what?

I just figured out that I have a hard time with internalizing things that bother me. When things hurt or offend me, I don't address the issues but instead I bury them in a deep, dark place within me hoping that they'll somehow disappear. I don't know why I'm continually surprised that the pain is still here and the wounds are still fresh.

The clearest example of this is from a relationship I had in college that left me, for a lack of a better word, damaged. I've gotten over the bad things that happened and have emotionally healed, but the things that haunt me are the things that I never said to him. The things that he deserved to hear because I don't feel like he truly know how he made me feel. Even now as I write this I feel so angry at him but more at myself for not getting everything off of my chest and leaving with regrets. But it's over now. So, so over. I haven't talked to him in years and quite honestly, I really don't want to talk to him. But I also don't know what to do with these feelings.

And now there's a newer relationship in my life that I can already recognize these problems beginning. It's a relationship that is supposed to be good, but it really isn't. And little things keep happening that I don't know if they are intentionally hurtful, but really are. It's so hard to try to keep a positive attitude and outlook towards a person when things never change. But like my other relationship, I've never confronted the situation and now too much time has past and it seems pointless to bring things up. What I should have been able to shrug off has now become the foundation for an ugly problem.

I wish I knew what to do and how to stop feeling this way. I don't want to be someone who holds grudges, that is such an ugly characteristic. I want to be able to have open, free, healthy relationships. More importantly, I don't want to have people in my life that make me feel like that. Whenever I talk to Jason about this newer relationship he always says "why do you keep trying? You know how it is, maybe you just need to let it go." And maybe he's right. But I can't help but want things to work out.

In case you're wondering...I didn't quit my blog! I didn't even mean to take this long of a break. We've been having computer issues with our wonderful Mac and are currently a one computer household. That may seem adequate for a couple, but with Jason taking two classes right now my computer time is limited. Not complaining though! He's so close to being done and anything he needs to accomplish it is a done deal.

Soo here's some of the things I've meant to write about:

• Went to my first Cubs game IN Wrigley Field. Fabulous. :) Pictures to follow...when the Mac is back in working order. Lord knows I'm not posting pictures that haven't had a tan edited into them.

• Work has been...interesting. I have been truely blessed with an incredible job, and one of the things that I love most about being a nanny is the unpredictability of each and every day. It's exciting to come into work and know that today will not be like yesterday. I've only been in this position for a few months but we're family. They have gone through several major life changes since I've arrived and it has made us so close. I honestly never thought I'd be so glad for all the psychology classes I took.

• This summer I have been learning what it means to truly love someone. It has been daunting to say the least. It's so easy to love the pretty, likeable and put together part of people but it's not enough. When you say you love someone, it has to be all of them; love doesn't get to pick and choose. This paragraph could really be a full-on post, but I'm running out of time so this is a brief summary. More later.

There's so much more I would like to write but nap time is almost over so I need to be brief. Hopefully the Mac will be up and running soon so my blog can be little more active!