Don't you hate it when you learn things about yourself that aren't good? You want to be in denial and have the hardest time believing that you really act, think, do those things...but when it comes down to it, you do. So now what?
I just figured out that I have a hard time with internalizing things that bother me. When things hurt or offend me, I don't address the issues but instead I bury them in a deep, dark place within me hoping that they'll somehow disappear. I don't know why I'm continually surprised that the pain is still here and the wounds are still fresh.
The clearest example of this is from a relationship I had in college that left me, for a lack of a better word, damaged. I've gotten over the bad things that happened and have emotionally healed, but the things that haunt me are the things that I never said to him. The things that he deserved to hear because I don't feel like he truly know how he made me feel. Even now as I write this I feel so angry at him but more at myself for not getting everything off of my chest and leaving with regrets. But it's over now. So, so over. I haven't talked to him in years and quite honestly, I really don't want to talk to him. But I also don't know what to do with these feelings.
And now there's a newer relationship in my life that I can already recognize these problems beginning. It's a relationship that is supposed to be good, but it really isn't. And little things keep happening that I don't know if they are intentionally hurtful, but really are. It's so hard to try to keep a positive attitude and outlook towards a person when things never change. But like my other relationship, I've never confronted the situation and now too much time has past and it seems pointless to bring things up. What I should have been able to shrug off has now become the foundation for an ugly problem.
I wish I knew what to do and how to stop feeling this way. I don't want to be someone who holds grudges, that is such an ugly characteristic. I want to be able to have open, free, healthy relationships. More importantly, I don't want to have people in my life that make me feel like that. Whenever I talk to Jason about this newer relationship he always says "why do you keep trying? You know how it is, maybe you just need to let it go." And maybe he's right. But I can't help but want things to work out.